1.         Real teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and have been seen grading in church.

2.         Real teachers cheer when they hear, April 1, does not fall on a school day.

3.         Real teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.

4.         Real teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.

5.         Real teachers can't walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

6.         Real teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

7.         Real teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.

8.         Real teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

9.         Real teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.

10.       Real teachers volunteer for hall duty/bus duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.

11.       Real teachers never teach the conjugations of "lie" and "lay" to eighth graders.

12.       Real teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

13.       Real teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.

14.       Real teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.

15.       Real teachers can "sense" gum.

16.       Real teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never see the light of day.

17.       Real teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.

18.       Real teachers have never heard an original excuse.

19.       Real teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in quantity at Sam's.

20.       Real teachers will eat anything that is put in the teacher's lounge.

21.       Real teachers never plan discussions for first period or co-operative groups for seventh period during an evaluation.

22.       Real teachers have the assistant principals' and counselors' home phone numbers.

23.       Real teachers know secretaries and custodians run the school.

24.       Real teachers know the rules don't really apply to them.

25.       Real teachers hear the heartbeats of crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.